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I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist.
My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in such as marriage equality. My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration.
In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples.
Lic MFC Hide View all posts from Chandrama Anderson. Report Objectionable Content. A good vibrator, with my husband participating, always worked for me. Don't forget the K-Y, and a lot of nasty talk!
Good sex is play and play acting, no need to make it serious. Hide the salami, then get a good night's sleep.
Why try to make it complicated? Chandrama, Please answer my question: Why try to make it complicated? You seem to want it to be much less enjoyable than it can be. It is such a natural act, so why try to complicate it with demands, guilt and so forth? Hi Susan, Thanks for writing in. When people are having happy uncomplicated sex, it is pleasurable, fun, lovely, hot, etc. I'm not sure where the demands and guilt come in. It is my experience as a couples counselor, that: - One's sexual relationship parallels one's emotional relationship.
Meaning that if we are close and connected, sex is close and connected. But if we are fighting or distant, or have grown apart, then our sex life will be like that, too. Oral sex or masturbation is often not talked about.
We want it often, are experimental, and happy. Pain can cause women to shy away from sex. Susan, you sound very comfortable with your sexuality, and I am glad for you and your husband. If anything changes, "Wanting Sex Again" may be a good resource. Since it is such a big myth in our culture most people at least try to do what they think is expected of them, but the s says that does not work I am amazed that the whole idea doesn't just blow up.
When the world moves to fast people become just things to other people, and relationships become acting. There's just nothing acceptable that people will believe enough in to give up their comfortable misery yet. What we really ought to have in our society is accepted ways to talk about and suggest options Wife wants real sex Crescent Park lifestyles Hi CrescentParkAnon, I appreciate you bringing another viewpoint to monogamy.
It is true that people live much longer, and that we don't need to ensure enough helpers to work our farm. Many young people have been through the divorce of their parents, and it is painful at any age. I believe that the important thing about sex and monogamy is to be explicit with our partner s about Wife wants real sex Crescent Park we do commit to -- and to keep those commitments.
At times, people, especially women, agree to things they don't actually want e. So please, tell the truth about what you want and need and find acceptable, even if it means losing someone you love. Of course, safe sex is critical to all of us, no matter what arrangement we have. Well, to hear you tell it, it's men who are pushing women to do things that they do not really agree to.
So just to be fair I will mention acase of a friend of mine who told every one of his girlfriends going way back that he did not wish to have children, due to his family life as he did not feel he would make a good parent. Yet, the women who knew him and both who married him eventually broke up because they did want to have children. So, I just made this effort to point out that people do not always know what they want or what they can live forever with. It's not really their fault if they really did not know themselves well enough, and since you cannot ever tell whether someone does know themselves or whether you know yourself well enough to play adult, there are a heck of a lot of people out in the world playing at something they have no idea of what they doing.
Especially these days, we are programmed by the media to respond like Pavlov's dogs to all the stimuli we receive, we absorb fairy tales and myths, movies, commercial and at the other ends Internet porn and all kinds of ideas that are usually someone else's agenda that we try to make sense of, when all the greatest scientists of the world have never made much headway. And that just gets us to the point where we produce more kids for the greater glory of whatever country or tribe we belong to. It's no big wonder why people after a certain point when the reality starts to seep in might have some confusion about what they want, or that the other person wants, or what should be wanted or not wanted at all.
We live in a crazy time, and some people are great at just going with whatever they want and leaving the problems with everyone else, and some people want to take responsibility for everyone else, and between those poles are everyone else in between. So, great idea to tell the truth about who we are, but I think we live in a world where most people feel they have to lie Maybe that's why so many people just fantasize or create the illusion that whoever they are with knows them instinctually well enough that they do not have to say anything.
And then there's the fact that most people really do not know themselves at all, and it doesn't seem to matter that much. Good luck to all!
I apologize if I made it sound like men are pushing women -- I did not mean that. More to my point, in the example you gave, the man was explicit from the get-go that he didn't want to have children. I was trying to say that girls may be brought up not to be explicit, and then hope challenge that she will get what she wants.
As I write this, I see we are going deeper into a hole of miscommunication that comes from lack of face-to-face conversation with eye contact, body language, etc. Believe me, I have seen both men's and women's behavior that is difficult for those around them. However, for most, it is difficult inside, too. Many of us wear masks or personas in the fervent wish to be loved.
I urge you to be a genuine and authentic 'adult' so whomever you are in relationship with can love the authentic you. Love IS our primal need. As humans, we do get distracted by shiny objects and there are more and more to choose from.
It's truly hard work to know oneself. It's probably a life-long process. Oh well; at least we have our whole life to do so. Your efforts at your own definition of genuine love is dropping a pebble in a pond. It's worth it, you're worth it. I know you did not, but I felt like maybe the other side needed some mention. I didn't mean to accuse or anything. My own experience as a single older male is that women can push men just as hard.
When I have begun to date women almost immediately the "M" word comes up I am not even sure this is a communication thing. Maybe you just get a feeling for what something is thinking and try to talk about it is to overthink stuff you cannot really know or control anyway. And in a long-term relationship it's not really easier because of sticky patterns. Good point, sounds good, or at least act like you think one should act. If you're interested in reading about neuroscience and couples, talking, patterns, etc. I agree that dating is tough. I hear the particulars in my office.
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